2020 has been an incredible year, both for all the things that happened and the things that didn’t, for the gains and the losses, for social media drama and otherwise. In all, best to remain thankful. We are still standing, whether on one leg or both.

So, my daughter came home from university and we’ve been stuck with each other for the last 8 months. The other one from within the country, and we were all stuck together for 5 months before she went back to school. The last time we were constantly together day and night, was when they were in the womb…ok, ok, and a few months after their birth…and one or two short vacations.

Really, think about it. By the time they became toddlers, they start school. This means we’d drop them off at school and then go to work, and pick them up again on our way back, so there was ‘space’ in between. But lockdown…? We were in one another’s face 24/7!!! I think it is incredible that we haven’t beaten each other up …. at least not yet…. lol. Seriously, it’s really been a rewarding time. I love the energy of each one discussing and chasing their goals, talking about national (#EndSARS) and international (American elections) issues, discussing how to make Christmas fun despite COVID, planning towards 2021, watching movies together, taking turns to cook and clean (no one likes that part), and just generally having fun and bonding.

But our relationship didn’t get here overnight nor is it super perfect, but I like it! I was not-a-little-surprised to hear one of my colleagues say to me some time ago, after listening in on a conversation between one of my daughters and I: “Wow! You guys were just gisting like friends. This is what I always tell my wife, instead of fighting with our daughter all the time.” For the life of me, I thought such conversations were perfectly normal between mum’s and their girls, until that comment. So, I started to think about how we got here:

1. I think I have always played with my daughters – electronic games, dance, run together, watch Disney (primarily to be able to determine which programmes were suitable and which were not, but #wemove) and get excited together about the songs, the props – Aladdin on my mind! Mulan too!
2. We discussed why a programme was ok and why another was not, so I didn’t mandate too many things, they knew for themselves after a while. Of course, our non-negotiable values were clear from early on, and discussed at every opportunity without stuffing it down and making a lecture out of it.
3. I try not to fuss over anything that is a matter of style (as compared with decency or godliness). I remember when my daughter called me from school to say she had bleached her hair. My conservative self nearly freaked out. But again, we took the opportunity to discuss stages of life, the importance of your context, and choosing your battles. She has since dyed her hair pink, burgundy, and now, it’s back to black…for a season no doubt.
4. I know their friends – male and female. They are generally allowed to come to the house (the older one). We gist about what happened with them and what didn’t. I certainly don’t know everything, and I don’t think I need to. I know enough. I don’t snitch on them either – trust is key!
5. Don’t transfer your stress to them! We make jokes out of most things and I try not to stay angry with them for too long. I learned a long time ago, that most of us discipline our children to release our own anger and satisfy our conscience that we have been good parents, not to help them become better people. Once you make the mental switch, you’ll find that your methods of discipline will change dramatically.
6. Finally, underlying all of these is grace, sweet, sweet grace, and the recognition that they are not made to conform to your image and stature, but God’s. Your job is to bring them to a place where they can express their uniqueness, not yours. My imperfections are obvious to my daughters and I tell them they are to aim towards being the best version of themselves, not me. Take what valuable thing you can from me, but don’t try to become me. If there’s something about me that you consider a weakness, look for someone else that has it figured already and make a role model out of them for that thing. I am not under any illusions of perfection, and neither should you. Stop all this “I was the best in my class” – can you show them your results? (My kids saw one of my results once…story for another day). It will not stop them from striving to be better if you handle it correctly.

By the way, one of my daughters ‘approved this message.’ So, enjoy parenthood, they will soon be out of the hood and you can fly again!

Edited by Oluwatoyin Ashipa